I used to love to people watch. I would sit for hours downtown and just watch people stroll by. Even more fun was when I was with my sister and we would be able to comment on each passerby. Sometimes nice, sometimes not so nice... But it was always fun.
With the return of the beautiful weather, I've realized that my past-time has morphed into something completely different. Now, I no longer study the face, the clothes, the posture to read who that person is/wants to be. I look for only one thing... The belly.
And it seems to be everywhere these days. I'm not going to lie, I wince or sneer when I see one. I know I'm supposed to be able to control this reaction/emotion but I can't seem to right now. I don't know their stories, but I can't help resenting that one more person has what is denied me.
I hate that I've become this bitter ugly mean person.
I've always been one to 'judge' but that was totally superficial and I was the first to admit that I was wrong and go on to find the truth about someone. I never held onto any of my snap judgements, always instead viewed it as a game to see how close I could come to the real person. Now though, apparently, I can hate complete strangers for what is likely a happy occurrence and something they've worked for and treasure.
It's funny, for someone who no longer believes in 'fate' or 'reasons', I can still feel like the universe is out to wound me. How self-centered is that??
I guess for the time being, I'll just enjoy the weather from my backyard. That will keep me out of sight of things I don't want to see and protect others from my bad moods and nasty thoughts.
Addiction to Prediction
7 hours ago
I do the same thing. In fact, I've been thinking about blogging about it. I have unwanted preg-dar and constantly see pregnant women everywhere. R doesn't notice them unless I specifically point them out - even if they are undeniably huge.
ReplyDeleteI too find myself sneering at them and thinking negative things. Then I feel bad about it because how do I know they aren't fellow IFers... I just cannot be happy for pregnant people I see in public. Luckily (for them maybe more than for me), I don't know anyone personally right now who is pregnant.
I do the same thing too - I call it "pregnant or not?". I try to guess If they are. I used to try to figure out what they do for a living. It was always either accountant, waitress, or stripper. Sometimes stay-at-home mom.
ReplyDeleteOh man. Do I feel you on this, or what?
ReplyDeleteI just recently wrote as very similar post: http://noovenforthebun.blogspot.com/2009/06/babygame-blues.html
I'm so sorry that you're hurting. I'm unbelievably sorry for the loss of your 2 precious girls.
I hope this next FET passes you on to parenthood with flying colors.