Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Cerclage is in!

And what a strange experience it was too! We were in L&D with all the other moms going in for c-sections... They must have wondered what heck were we doing there? Especially when we didn't come out of the OR with a baby.

It was all pretty intense emotionally, but surprisingly not too bad physically. I'd never had an epidural (just Demerol when I delivered the girls) and so I was pretty good & freaked out about it. It certainly wasn't fun...but it also didn't suck quite as much as I thought it would. It was totally weird to feel things that you know should hurt, but that didn't. I actually think that the worst part of it all is right now with this nasty medicine they gave me that is making me insanely nauseous. Yuck. That and the bleeding. I know there should be bleeding as the cervix has blood flow, but it is still disconcerting to see.

The emotions came into play because I had to talk about by history... Many many times. In a setting that reminded me of the worst part of my pregnancy with the girls. Plus, while I'm glad to be doing something proactive to save these little ones, it's also a little bittersweet... Could things have gone differently last time if I'd only known then what I know now?? I know that's a terrible road to walk down, and I do try really hard not to think like that. But sometimes those thoughts sneak in.

We go back in two weeks, and I'm hopeful that we'll be able to find out the genders at that point! Until then, I'm using my little Doppler for reassurance that all is well inside. Also, I'm pretty sure I'm starting to feel the little 'flutters' of movement now. That's pretty damn awesome too.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009


I'd been doing so well... But I guess it was inevitable that I'd slip back into anxiety mode again. It all started with my decision on Friday that I deserved a weekend of rest & relaxation. So I maturely stuck my tongue out at my pile of correcting, left my papers to be photocopied on Monday, my plans completed through Wednesday only, and walked out the door. I felt pretty good about that decision at the time.

Then Friday night hits and I find myself at 2:30 am bolt upright in bed with cold sweats and shakes. Now, of all the things I could be terrified of, could be remembering... What is it that woke me in a panic? The dream of a baby shower. Yes, that's right, I dreamt that my colleagues, who just found out that I'm expecting, threw me a surprise shower before the safe arrival of the babies. I can laugh at this, but only a little, and certainly not that night. Or really, the rest of the weekend.

I dread the idea of having stuff again. Because I dread the idea of having to pack it up and it joining the other sad sad box of belongings that reside in my attic. Adorable pink & purple outfits to wear home from the hospital. Handmade blankets from my mom. Gifts from my students. Nighties from my best friend. Things that are wrapped up in dreams which will never come true. Things I can neither use nor get rid of. How can I face boxing up my dreams again? How can I survive that?

Shaken by my night, Saturday slipped by in a whirlwind of guilt over not being happier, more connected, more able to plan. Then bam, my old friend Sunday Worry about school shows up and sends me head over heals into panic attack mode. I became totally convinced that every single thing was going to go wrong, always, with every aspect of my life. My heart wouldn't stop racing, my hands shaking, my breathing was labored. All the way to school Monday morning. I thought I was going to explode. It was awful.

I've managed to calm down since then. Monday I taught. I wasn't the most prepared I've ever been, but it went alright. I spoke to the teacher who would be organizing anything, and she said she'd never thought to do anything until after the safe arrival. (Of course she did, she's amazing like that. She knew without me even having to vocalize it.) Today I talked to my therapist a little. He said that I was doing alright. Anxiety is to be expected. I should stop beating myself up for feeling it. (Easier said than done of course.) Tomorrow I have the day off. I plan to sleep in, have lunch with a friend, and try to relax a little more. It should be a good day.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Coming Out

We had a fantastic ultrasound on Tuesday. Truly, truly amazing. My first look at my babies AS babies... No longer blobs with flickers for hearts. They have limbs and bodies and FACES! Man, it is such an awesome experience to see that. I could stare for hours. I think that is the only thing I feel sorry for fertiles about, think of how many u/s viewings they miss out on!! Anyways, it was great to see that everyone is doing well and jumping and waving and talking away (or rather just moving their mouth, but I viewed it as chatting, haha).

Riding that high, I decided to tell everyone while I was feeling so good about things. People jumped, screamed, and I won't lie, there were a number of tears. These women that I teach with are amazing, kind-hearted people, who saw and experienced with me the heartache of losing my girls. It was wonderful to bring joy into their lives and to see their happiness beaming in their eyes. I felt loved and protected. My next hurdle is telling my parents (ugh)... Sorry, not my parents (they know) the parents of my students! Mostly they will be happy, but being parents, they consider their children first (as they should) and I will be leaving them come April (dare I hope to make it to May??) Sometimes parents can get a little snippy about it. However, we have 'visitation day' (otherwise known as torture your teacher by standing in the back of the room while she teaches and make her exceptional anxious) coming up next week. One real look at me, not in a winter jacket, and the gig is up! I'm definitely showing already... So, I'll bite the bullet and let them know this week or next.


More thoughts on my prior post of friendship. A fellow RESOLVE board member wrote me with her thoughts on what I wrote... And it made me realize that one of the reasons I'm okay with life how it is, is because I have her and the rest of the members and the community here in the blogsphere. I may never meet any of you IRL, but I can't discount what your friendship has meant to me this past year. At first I was hesitant to call it Friendship, but as my Good Friend pointed out... That's exactly what it is. In some ways I feel closer to you than I do to people who surround me in everyday living. So, thanks for that :) I owe you so much and I hope that in some small way I can fill that void for you too and repay that debt.