Tuesday, July 28, 2009

After Vacation Blues

I've been feeling down today... And it took me awhile to figure out why. I always get a bit sad after a vacation, especially one with lots of people or activity. It's something like withdrawal, I think. I have a great time, do lots of fun things, see lots of people I love... Then I find myself suddenly dumped back into my normal life. Where over the summer, I spend 10 hours by myself. Me & my thoughts... Ugh. I'd rather not, thanks.

Summer Camp in WA was a blast. I enjoyed every minute of it. It is so much fun to get to see my family & my Aunt's family too! There were ten of us there this year, and even though we are all so very different, we make quite the harmonious group. I'm already looking forward to next year.

Monday, July 20, 2009

It's Over

As I expected, my beta results today were negative. In an odd way I'm relieved. One of the few things my body has been good at is giving me signs... So when my symptoms disappeared, I grieved. Then I worried. I've seen so many others trapped in beta hell with slowly rising numbers. It was something I really didn't want to experience. I was worried that it would create complications and I'd be unable to leave Wednesday morning after all... And the first vacation E & I have planned since New Years would be cancelled. As it stands, I'm saddened by the loss, but more detemined than ever to keep trying. I feel so close. Perhaps it will be this next fresh cycle... So com'on AF, let get this show on the road.

Sunday, July 19, 2009


My symptoms are gone.



Friday, July 17, 2009


That's my number from today's beta.

It's low... but it is early (only 9dp3dt).

I go back Monday morning... Hoping for some doubling action.

It's low, but for now, I'll take it!!

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Head vs Body

There is a war being fought within myself. My head has logically convinced itself that given the low odds of success due to the quality of the embryos, our FET did not work. My body (which is also all hopped up on drugs) has gone to the other extreme, so much so that I'm experiencing all kinds of pregnancy symptoms. I desperately want to believe what my body is telling me... but I can't ignore my head whispering about odds and statistics.

I'm torn. I waver from believing one to believing the other. I'd love to be courageous enough to just pee on a stick, but I'm not. I'm more scared of HPTs now than I was of the monster under my bed when I was 6.

I'll just continue to fight my internal battle until Friday... When my blood will provide the winner the ability to say "Told you so."

Friday, July 10, 2009

One Year

One year. 365 days. Have I really lived that long without you?

I've only got a few precious memories to cling to... But nothing could ever make me forget...

The rush of love I felt right after transfer. I was so convinced that it had worked, I hugged and kissed E and we both teared up knowing that you were inside. We even brought tears to the nurse's eyes.

The wonder I felt staring at those two blobs at the first ultrasound, seeing you both for the first time. Watching your heartbeats flicker. Amazed at the miracle of the creation of new life.

Watching your growth from ultrasound to ultrasound. Tracking that progress in my pregnancy book. Seeing your personalities develop as the weeks progressed... As one snoozed happily while the other did cartwheels. Calling you Lefty & Righty until that amazing ultrasound when we found out you were both girls. We were so thrilled... We started whispering to you your names, Rebecca, Maria.

Feeling your movement for the first time. Looking into E's eyes as he felt your strong kick in bed at night. We joked that you were made for soccer.

But everything I thought I knew of love went out the window the moment I first saw you two. Even though I knew you were too little, you were so perfect, so beautiful. I never wanted to let you go. I still don't.

When I think of you now, I see you on your beach. The one where E and I went to say good-bye. We talked of our dreams for you, the futures you weren't allowed to have, but mostly we talked of our love for you. How amazing and powerful an emotion that was. We named you for the waves, the sand, and the world to hear and recognize. You existed. Rebecca & Maria, you are loved.

We left forever changed. Marked by tragedy, but also by unconditional love. A love as strong today as it was 365 days ago.

Happy first birthday my girls. Your mother loves you.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009


Feeling a little discouraged right now. The transfer went smoothly, but the frosties weren't in the best shape. We transferred a 2 cell and 3 cell (which is less than 50% rehydration for both). So I'm PUPO, but not feeling ultra confident about it. At least I only have to wait 9 days to find out the results, as beta is on the 17th. Fingers crossed...

Monday, July 6, 2009

Full Steam Ahead

I've been busy hanging out with my visiting family members. It's been nice to have people around! I'm going to be terribly lonely once they all leave...

Yesterday I got the green light for the FET this Wednesday. We will be transfer 1 or 2 day 3 embryos (depending on quality and thaw). If we only transfer one we'll be doing a double transfer this Sat of a Day 6 blast. (If it makes it to Brigham... Seems like there is some hang up with moving it. Hopefully I'll iron that out today.)

This Friday is also my girls' birthday. I had been obsessing about that, but now with being so busy with my family... I haven't forgotten, but I'm not fretting either. More on this later...

For now, just think of me on Wednesday and wish me luck :)