Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Damn, hope is back...

So guess what reared its ugly head today... Hope. Now, I know that hope is supposed to be a good thing, and maybe it is, but it is a damn terrifying thing too. If I'm hoping, than some part of me is believing that this could actually work. I'm scared sh*tless that I'm just setting myself up for disappointment.

But, damn it, I feel GOOD about this cycle now. Why? I haven't the foggiest... But I am thinking that possibly it'll be positive news I get this time.

My therapist & I were discussing "expect the best, prepare for the worst." I know I have a tendency to focus in on the doom and gloom. I tell myself that I work through the negative sides so that if it comes I'll be ready. However, I used to also do that for the positive outcomes too. Since my loss, I've shied away from hoping for anything good. It's not that I think I don't deserve it or anything like that... Just that I'm not sure anything positive will happen again... Not since I had the worst possible outcome come true.

Logically, I know that doesn't make sense. I have a million little positive things that happen everyday that I should be so happy about. But with this, IF, I wonder if I will ever get lucky enough again.

Whatever. I'm probably over analyzing again! I do have that tendency... esp when time is heavy! See you soon, with good news, I hope!

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