Saturday, September 26, 2009


I find myself these days tipping back and forth between two sides of the scale...

Guilt and Worry vs Happiness and Excitement.

On the one hand, I'm so unbelievably excited to finally be pregnant again. I have to pinch myself to make sure that I'm not dreaming. I want to shout it from the rooftops. I want to spin in circles and laugh out loud. I want to go skipping down the halls at school. It's happened!! My broken battered body finally pulled it together! Our chance at children is within reach.

Of course, then we go sliding over to the other side of the scale. The one chock full of worry. What if it's the same this time? What if I tell people only to find out that I'm losing my babies again. What if I lose them again?? What if my body freaks out in the 2nd trimester again? I know more this time around, and I feel more prepared, but it could still happen. Worry, worry, worry.

But worst of all is the Guilt. (That's how I think of it, with a captial G.) My head knows that I made good choices with the information I had last time. I was given permission from my OB to fly. I know that no one had any inkling of the disaster my trip would turn into. I know all this, but sometimes, my heart still cries out that it was my job as their mother to protect them and nuture them... I wasn't able to do that.

But here's the thing that is keeping me up nights... I had all the resolve in the world at the start of cycling again, to only transfer one embryo at a time. But I got worn down. Negatives and cancellations and 5 cycles in 8 months. I was so tired. I needed it to be over. So I transferred two. Now, if I lose these babies again in my 2nd trimester, there will be no avoiding the guilt. I made a choice. I chose my sanity over their health. What kind of mother does that make me?

Saturday, September 19, 2009

First Ultrasound

Went well!

It's early, really early, so there isn't much to see or really no conclusions to draw from what we did see! But, so far, things look good and are measuring on timeline.

We were able to see two little gestational sacks, both with yolk sacks inside. One at 5.5 the other 5.3 weeks.

Like I said, it's too early to know exactly what that means... Other than there is definitely something growing and I'm still pregnant. Whew! Now I just need a way to stay calm until my next ultrasound on the 29th when hopefully we'll see heartbeats. Suggestions anyone?

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

No Mans Land

Last time, I found that anxiety grew relative to the farther away from a reassurance I got. So, if I had an u/s I would be fine for a couple of days, but then anxiety would slowly start to build until right before the next appointment I was a nervous wreck. Seems as little has changed. Except perhaps that the nerves kick in sooner and now double daily.

It doesn't help that I'm in this weird No Man's Land at the moment. Yes, I'm pregnant (yay!) but I have few to no symptoms (very different from last time) and I haven't seen any tangible proof yet. I only have to hang on another day and a half... I can do that. At least, I don't really have a choice but to find a way to cope with that! As it is, I'm already going in way early for an u/s.

I feel like I don't really fit in anywhere yet... Or maybe it's that I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. Like I don't want to get too comfortable yet in case this turns out to be a cruel cosmic joke. I've made appts for a high-risk OB (MFM clinic at my hospital). I'm excited about it, but a small part of me is wondering if I'll really need that appointment.

Last time I bought baby clothes online after my positive betas. (I justified by saying they were on big sale from my favorite store and would be the right season for the EDD.) It never even crossed my mind that those clothes would go unworn... Or even unwrapped. Now I'm hesitant to book appointments and buy prenatals??

Don't get me wrong, I'm still thrilled. I meant what I said earlier, I do already love this little collection of cells mightily. I'm overjoyed to be pregnant.

But there is worry there too. I want this so much, I'm afraid of the thought of losing ground after fighting so hard to get here. Just please, let Friday come quickly. Let everything be OK.

Friday, September 11, 2009

The Results Are In...

It's official.

I'm pregnant!!

Sorry to not share earlier, but I wanted to make sure that it was really real. First beta was 235 and second was 598. WooHoo!!

It's oddly surreal. It took so much longer to conceive this time around, I was starting to doubt that it would ever happen again. But it did!!

I thought I'd be all freaked out when I first found out... But I'm not. I'm feeling great & wonderful & just overjoyed. I can't stop smiling. It's not that I'm being naive, I know the shitstorm that can occur. I've lived through the worst scenerio already.

Knowing all that though...

I'm still happy.

I'm pregnant!!!

Friday, September 4, 2009

Stir Crazy

Okay, I've officially gone crazy. I think I've now actually convinced my body to feel nauseous because I want this so badly. Can you count it as a pregnancy symptom if it is only in your head??

This is easily the LONGEST wait I've ever had. I feel like I can hear the seconds ticking by... and they aren't going quickly!! I'm only 6dp3dt... Why are the days taking sooooo long to pass?

It doesn't help that I have little to do with myself at the moment. School started back up (yay!) but now I'm out for a looooong four day weekend (Fri-Mon). I know, I know, I can't believe I'm complaining about that either. See, I told you I've gone crazy!

In other unrelated good news, I have what looks to be an AWESOME class this year! Yippee! I needed that are last year totally shook my confidence in being a teacher. I thought by the end that it just had to be something I was doing wrong. However, I've already got these kiddos whipped into shape, they know the routines already, and we're ready to start learning to read! I can't wait. If only I could be there today...

Tuesday, September 1, 2009


Okay, I have a confession to make. I think I'm addicted to acupuncture.

I know funny, right? Since I wasn't even sure I liked it before... But now I would give anything to have that sense of well-being and confidence that accompanies leaving the acupuncturist. I want to go daily. Maybe not even leave, but live there, on that table, until beta.

I'm shaken. I'm having doubts. I've entered the downward spiral of the 2nd phase of WUB, that phase where you've become convinced that it didn't work and you did all this for nothing and you are still months away from actually conceiving.

I know that I shouldn't. I've said all these things to other women before. It's too early for symptoms. You might not even get them anyway. You've got good odds. Keep positive. Blah, blah, blah...

Where's my Magic Eight Ball?? It this cycle a "It is decidedly so" or more of a "Don't count on it"....

I want to know. I want my nice peaceful feeling back. I want this cycle to be the one that works.

I'll be at the acupuncturist if you need me.