My sister asked what it is that I'd like her to do or say to make this pain and anger and sadness easier to bear. I know she'd love to be able to wave a magic wand and make it all right. Hell, I'd love it if she could do that too!
I really appreciate when other people ask, but unfortunately it also means that I have to answer. And really, there is no good answer. At first, I tried asking for what I needed that day. Sometimes it was to listen, other times to leave me alone, still others to ignore it and pretend life was normal. This was all great while I was in that moment, but the problem arose when I left that moment and they were still doing what I had asked of them. Then I was left feeling hurt and upset that they didn't understand... What I need shifts daily, or even hourly.
So now I just tell people, I don't know. It's true, I don't. And I value our friendship too much to tell you to do something that if you listen and do it, it will cause a rift. So now I tell people to do what feels right to them, with the caveat that I will tell them if it sucks for me.
Example, we all know that past sunday wasn't an easy day for most of us. If you had asked me as a friend, I would have said, please, don't talk to me about it. However, yesterday, I was catching up with a fellow teacher and she remarked that she had been thinking of me on Sunday. That's it, nothing big or gushy, but it touched me. She followed her heart, and it was the perfect thing to say.
I guess the bottom line is that I need to trust my friends. After all, they are my friends for a reason. Perhaps they'll know, better than I do, what it is I need.
Addiction to Prediction
7 hours ago
This is a beautiful post that describes so perfectly the burden of having to manage other people even when you're in the midst of struggling to manage your own emotions. This has been hard for me, too - learning to ask for what I need but also being able to accept that sometimes people do the wrong thing, but they still love me and want me to be happy. And just being able to feel ok or good about that, whether it's the perfect thing or not.
ReplyDeleteHere from the Roundup.
This is so simply stated but speaks volumes. Would you allow me to include this on my blog at Parenthood for Me.? My blog is for my non profit and education and coping is one of our biggest goals.
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Erica
Love this -- I can relate to letting go and trusting friends, as you say. Sometimes it leaves me hurt, but more often than not I am surprised and touched by their thoughtfulness and love.
ReplyDeleteWow. I love this idea of letting go and trusting our friends. It's so tempting to want to tell them how to make it all better. But you've just pointed out some wonderful reasons why letting it go can be just as good in the end. Beautiful thoughts about something so difficult.
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