Monday, October 26, 2009


I used to be the kind of girl who had insanely close friendships. The kind where I would know what the other person was doing every moment of the day, who could give answers for the other person, where you don't go a day without some sort of conversation.

Now, I'm realizing that just isn't me anymore... I realized this as I was trying to find an excuse for not going to a birthday dinner of someone who is in my closest circle of friends. I'm just too tired, I say. This week is insane with work. But really, I just don't want to go. I feel like every social interaction is a potential minefield to be navigated. If this were a smaller gathering, I'd be more inclined... But it's a large affair, complete with friends I haven't seen in years. It means driving 30 minutes into the city with a girlfriend whose relationship is strained and awkward. Staying up way past my bedtime. *Sigh* Making small talk. How I loathe small talk now.

I know that part of it is because our lives have all become more complicated, with more people grabbing parts of it. But, I got home from school and watched 3 hours of television. I could have called any number of people, but I just don't want to anymore. It used to be that an afternoon like that would make me feel lonely. I honestly don't even notice it anymore... Not until E pointed it out.

I pulled away from everyone, from life really, after our girls died. I didn't know how to live and move forward. I lived a robotic life, just going through the motions. Then when I did start trying to reach out to people, I found hurt more than help. Not on purpose, no never intentional, but always these sharp corners of misunderstanding and insensitivity. I was too raw and I learned not to trust that rawness around others.

Eventually, I found my footing and I tried to rebuild those bridges, those relationships... But for some reason or another, it just wasn't the same. Perhaps I was too much changed? Too quiet? Too sad? Too vulnerable? Perhaps they had moved on, past me while I was stuck? Filled the hole of my friendship with the friendship of others? Too much survivor guilt? Was it too hard to be around me? At some point, I felt I was the only one trying, so I stopped.

My therapist was asking about my support system these days. It's good, I told him. I have E, my sister (who just moved here), and my best friend (also an E). That's it, he asked. I know he was wondering about the plethora of others I've mentioned from time to time. Yes, that's all. And really, that's okay. I know that if I really needed someone, any of those three would drop everything and run to me. So, while I don't talk to them everyday, and I have absolutely no idea what they are doing right this moment (except E who is playing the guitar downstairs), it's enough for me, for right now.

Perhaps my idea of friendship was changed, perhaps it would have morphed anyway as I grew up but was speed along by tragedy and self-imposed isolation. This is my life as it currently is, and, while 5 years ago it would have made me crazy, I'm honestly okay with it now.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Houseguests and Head Colds

I'm here. We had a run of houseguests which left me little time to do anything else... and then the last one left behind a doozy of a head cold. I think I'm finally on the mend again! Being sick and not being able to take anything reminds me of how much I love NyQuil.

My appointment with my MFM went great. I really really like him. Although, then he told me that he didn't need to see me for another month and I panicked. Really? A month?? I haven't not gone to the hospital for a whole month since October!! I'll have withdrawal! At first, it was alright, but as I've reached the halfway point I find myself going a little crazy. E actually had to pull out the last u/s pics because I'd convinced myself that we weren't really pregnant after all, it was just a big joke. Then I got worried that my belly was shrinking. (I did manage to refrain from calling about that one... But only barely!!)

Speaking of the belly, it is definitely making itself known. I'm happy for the turn to cold weather because I can pull out the puffy vests without people getting too suspicious. I know it's probably time to get out the old maternity clothes, but I'm not sure I'm emotionally ready to handle that box (and the memories contained inside it). Hmmm, shopping anyone?

I'm scheduled for an u/s on the 3rd and if all goes well then, a cerclage on the 17th. While I'm really glad that I'll be getting one, I feel the nerves starting already. It sounds pretty intense and horrible! I'm definitely starting to freak out about it. I just keep reminding myself, if it can prevent loss from happening, it is worth it. Anything is worth that. If you can find your way back from that, you can handle a little physical pain. But, yikes, I'm not going to lie here, I'm scared!

On a last note, if you know Meg, and even if you don't... You should head over and wish her congratulations on her impending nuptials!! She's one awesome lady and I'm feeling so happy that she's found someone who realizes this :)

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Sleeping.. A lot

I'm still here... Just finding the time to post has become more challenging. These days I'm either working, eating, or sleeping. I'm finding that 11 hours at night, well, it's just not enough! So I'm supplementing with naps too ;) I do remember this from last time around. Also making an appearance is nausea! While on one hand, it is a relief to feel it because that means everything is still okay, man... It sure is a pain.

Our last u/s went well, and we were able to see two strong steady heartbeats. We've been graduated from our RE (with strict instructions to come back in 9 months to show our the fruits of all our labors... but absolutely no sooner!) and this Tuesday we'll meet our MFM for the first time. I'm pretty nervous about the appt. I really really want to like the practice and this doc because I definitely need someone who has experience with high-risk and prior losses. I also don't want them to be upset with me for showing up with twins...

I'm working through all that with my therapist though, and I think I'm making progress. He also really helped me come up with something to say to the two responses I'm worrying about hearing when people find out I'm expecting twins again. (Really, just two sides to the same coin...) That people will think these twins can possibly replace my baby girls and that this will be different because my prior pregnancy (and babies) were wrong in someway. It's all from that same 'Everything happens for a reason' train of thought that I can't stand. We worked on it and I've decided that when people start down that path, I'll merely say "I will always love my first two girls." I like the simplicity and non-confrontationalness of this statement. Plus, it feels good to say, because it is true.

On a last note, I told my fellow first grade teachers because I will be relying on them heavily in the coming weeks and months. (Plus, we're a pretty tight group.) They were thrilled for me, and it was nice to feel that happiness! One is a very young teacher, and after I told them it was twins again she said 'Oh! What are the odds of that?' I just had to look at her and laugh... I replied 'About 20% chance each time I cycle!'