People Watching

I used to love to people watch. I would sit for hours downtown and just watch people stroll by. Even more fun was when I was with my sister and we would be able to comment on each passerby. Sometimes nice, sometimes not so nice... But it was always fun.

With the return of the beautiful weather, I've realized that my past-time has morphed into something completely different. Now, I no longer study the face, the clothes, the posture to read who that person is/wants to be. I look for only one thing... The belly.

And it seems to be everywhere these days. I'm not going to lie, I wince or sneer when I see one. I know I'm supposed to be able to control this reaction/emotion but I can't seem to right now. I don't know their stories, but I can't help resenting that one more person has what is denied me.

I hate that I've become this bitter ugly mean person.

I've always been one to 'judge' but that was totally superficial and I was the first to admit that I was wrong and go on to find the truth about someone. I never held onto any of my snap judgements, always instead viewed it as a game to see how close I could come to the real person. Now though, apparently, I can hate complete strangers for what is likely a happy occurrence and something they've worked for and treasure.

It's funny, for someone who no longer believes in 'fate' or 'reasons', I can still feel like the universe is out to wound me. How self-centered is that??

I guess for the time being, I'll just enjoy the weather from my backyard. That will keep me out of sight of things I don't want to see and protect others from my bad moods and nasty thoughts.

Next...

So once again, I'm reminded of the futility of counting on ANYTHING happening the way I thought it would. IF just does not follow any rules or plans. Even when I KNOW something, it can turn out a year later to be the opposite...

So last year, for our cycle that created our girls, we were transferred to a different clinic because ours sprung a leak and they had to close their ORs. (I know, crazy, right?) After our ET, we received a letter saying that the one embryo they were watching didn't make it to freeze. I was slightly saddened, but as I was pg with twins, I was focused on other things. Last month, I get a bill from the other clinic for $800 to keep our one embryo around for another year... What?!? Apparently, it's just been hanging out over there, and no one at my clinic knew about it and neither did I. So now we have this dilemma about what to do with it! My clinic doesn't except transfers from outside locations because the mediums to freeze are different and my RE doesn't like doing cryo-cycles for only one embryo and I can't seem to let go of the idea that perhaps THAT is the egg. And that little popsicle is brother or sister to Rebecca and Maria. I also can't keep paying $800 a year!

Currently, I was waiting for my new protocol for a fresh cycle. Of course, once again, today, I'm replanning everything because my insurance said frozen not fresh as I still have 2 embryos at my clinic from my last fresh cycle that was cancelled due to ohss. Now, I'm thinking... perhaps I'll do frozen, but instead use that little one over at the other clinic.

What absolute craziness. Maybe I should just stop making plans altogether! I have an appt with RE next Thursday. I guess it'll all just fester in my mind until we make a decision then.

Flowers

So I'm all excited and had to share this with someone...

I'm going to be making plaster flowers with my class this year!! I tried it once before (2 years ago) and it was a disaster. However, I think I just fond the solution to the construction problem -- not enough support from the base so everything 'wilted' and refused to stand up. Now, I'm using a cup upside down with a hole cut in it. I tried it this afternoon with the plaster and it works like a charm!!

I think we'll start them next week and then move onto plaster then tissue paper... It so perfectly ties into our plant unit. It's going to be crazy and a ton of stress, but I just know the kids are going to love it! And really, that's what it's all about.

Other people

My sister asked what it is that I'd like her to do or say to make this pain and anger and sadness easier to bear. I know she'd love to be able to wave a magic wand and make it all right. Hell, I'd love it if she could do that too!

I really appreciate when other people ask, but unfortunately it also means that I have to answer. And really, there is no good answer. At first, I tried asking for what I needed that day. Sometimes it was to listen, other times to leave me alone, still others to ignore it and pretend life was normal. This was all great while I was in that moment, but the problem arose when I left that moment and they were still doing what I had asked of them. Then I was left feeling hurt and upset that they didn't understand... What I need shifts daily, or even hourly.

So now I just tell people, I don't know. It's true, I don't. And I value our friendship too much to tell you to do something that if you listen and do it, it will cause a rift. So now I tell people to do what feels right to them, with the caveat that I will tell them if it sucks for me.

Example, we all know that past sunday wasn't an easy day for most of us. If you had asked me as a friend, I would have said, please, don't talk to me about it. However, yesterday, I was catching up with a fellow teacher and she remarked that she had been thinking of me on Sunday. That's it, nothing big or gushy, but it touched me. She followed her heart, and it was the perfect thing to say.

I guess the bottom line is that I need to trust my friends. After all, they are my friends for a reason. Perhaps they'll know, better than I do, what it is I need.

Feeling okay

Thank you for your comments and thoughts. I'm oddly okay right now.

I spent the weekend watching my little sister become a doctor of physical therapy. How amazing is that? Graduations are cool. I think that might have something to do with my mood. Plus, I wasn't left to brood about the result because I was surrounded by family and her friends who don't know we are cycling again.

I was really really down Thursday and Friday morning, but somewhere throughout the day, I picked up and recovered. I'm actually a little worried the disappointment is still hanging out there waiting to smack in the face... But I decided that since I'm okay today, I'll just go with that.

Beta on Friday confirmed the negative HPT. By the time I spoke with the nurse, I was already on the upswing and so the conversation wasn't as painful as I had thought it would be. My cycle will be reviewed this Wed, and then I'll know the plan going forward. My guess is that I'll probably start a fresh cycle, hopefully soon. I know some people enjoy the 'break' between cycles... Me, I'd rather keep moving. I get so anxious otherwise, it seems like the clock ticks louder when I'm not actively cycling.

Again, thanks. It's good to feel the support :) and it is much appreciated.

That didn't last long

Well, guess it was stupid to believe... Perhaps I'm not done being naive after all.

Tomorrow is beta day and we're going to be flying down to NC for my sister's graduation. I couldn't bare the thought of receiving our news in the airport, so I took a HPT this morning. (Even though I'm dead set against them and have never NEVER gotten a positive result from anything I've peed on.)

One line. One f*cking little line. I loathe pee sticks.

It's not supposed to be this hard.

Damn, hope is back...

So guess what reared its ugly head today... Hope. Now, I know that hope is supposed to be a good thing, and maybe it is, but it is a damn terrifying thing too. If I'm hoping, than some part of me is believing that this could actually work. I'm scared sh*tless that I'm just setting myself up for disappointment.

But, damn it, I feel GOOD about this cycle now. Why? I haven't the foggiest... But I am thinking that possibly it'll be positive news I get this time.

My therapist & I were discussing "expect the best, prepare for the worst." I know I have a tendency to focus in on the doom and gloom. I tell myself that I work through the negative sides so that if it comes I'll be ready. However, I used to also do that for the positive outcomes too. Since my loss, I've shied away from hoping for anything good. It's not that I think I don't deserve it or anything like that... Just that I'm not sure anything positive will happen again... Not since I had the worst possible outcome come true.

Logically, I know that doesn't make sense. I have a million little positive things that happen everyday that I should be so happy about. But with this, IF, I wonder if I will ever get lucky enough again.

Whatever. I'm probably over analyzing again! I do have that tendency... esp when time is heavy! See you soon, with good news, I hope!

Tertia's Book Shower

This is my first time participating in an online book club! I hope I do it right! (The directions and everything can be found on Stirrup Queens.) First and foremost: Congratulations to Tertia! Publishing is an awesome accomplishment!!

I had been following Mel for a couple of weeks, when she announced that you could purchase So Close (buy it here) written by a fellow infertile (see her blog here). She was so enthusiastic and since I was already ordering from Amazon, that I impulsively added it to my cart.

The book arrived and I devoured it in a couple of hours. It came to me at a time when I was just starting to realize that I wasn't alone in the infertility mess. There were others out there who knew about that world too. Not only that, but some of them could even relate to the horribleness of loss after the 1st trimester. Tertia was one of them. As I read her story, I laughed with her, panicked with her, and cried with her. Mostly, I was thrilled to rejoice with her in her positive ending. It gives me hope that after all I have been through, I, too, can end up with my dream fulfilled.

Throughout so much of the book, I found myself nodding. At parts I even shouted "YES! That IS how it is!" (To which my husband would sleepily say, "Why are you still reading?? Turn out the light!" I would hush him right back to sleep and go on reading.) It's amazing to see in print things that I've never been able to properly express and thought I was the only one experiencing. It was very cathartic. It made me feel not so alone.

There were two sections of the story that stand out so vividly for me even after a month, mostly for their bleakness and sadness. The first was Tertia dealing with her ectopic (pg71-73) and the second was the reduction (pg113). It's interesting to me that it wasn't the loss of Luke and Ben, which is something I could actually relate to, that stayed with me, but rather the experiences that I fear could come to pass that I remember. What sections stand out for you?

*** Mel's Question 4: Tertia has an urge to chat with the others in her clinic waiting room. Do you ever wish people would break into spontaneous, supportive conversation? Describe your ideal waiting room.

This was so funny to me because I'm always the one who talks to others or has no problem returning (or starting) conversation in waiting rooms or buses or restaurants, and yet, this question made me recoil in horror. (Which I remember doing when I read the section in Tertia's book too!) Only once has someone spoken to me in my waiting room and I was totally freaked out by it! It was some one's mom, and when my name was called for blood work, she told me that the lady was quick and competent. Now, this was a very nice thing to say, but I was completely weirded out by the fact that she was talking to me! It's against the etiquette! We sit around numbly and watch the tv or read... If you happen to bring someone with you, you only talk in whispers so that others can't hear. Why? I don't know, but that is how I like it! I'm not going to lie, I do speculate about the others in the waiting room. We are labelled by our folders (red = IVF and blue = IUI) and I wonder about their stories. Sometimes I wonder if any of my 'friends' from the cyber world are there too... But I've never wanted to strike up a conversation... Actually, that's not completely true. There was one time I spoke out loud. It was when the octo-mom controversy was raging and her damn interview came on the tv in the waiting. There was a rumbling of muttering and I said something to the effect of "Oh the irony of seeing this here when I've avoided it everywhere else" which was met by nods as we all proceeded to settle back into our books/magazines/blank stares.

My idea of a perfect waiting room? I can't even come up with an image... Because if anything in this world were 'perfect' not one of us would need this waiting room ever. May we all be out of them soon!

Halfway

Ugh. Feeling pretty low right now. Can't believe that I'm only halfway through WUB (taking Mel's acronym for Wait Until Beta). I know I said that I was done analyzing signs and all that... but I guess I lied. It's just that I don't feel anything. During WUB with the girls I was out of breath, slightly nauseous, and my boobs hurt like hell. Right now -- nothing. Zip. Zero. Nada. (Except I'm constantly eating...I think that's nerves though!)

I know each pregnancy is different. I know that, but it's still got me feeling down.

I just so want this to work. I feel like Kristen from the Biggest Loser. Just as you finally admit how much you really really want it and damn it you deserve it, you're voted off.

I also just got back from a meeting with our Superintendent which was not so super. The cuts are pretty ugly. They think that they can handle it all without having to resort to a RIF (Reduction In Workforce--ie firing people with tenure) but they aren't sure. So basically I'm still walking on that ledge, and I won't know for sure which way I fall for at least another month...or more. I think that legally they are required to tell me by June 15th.

I just hate uncertainty!! It seems like my whole life is full of it!

Plus, I'm still not done writing those stupid journals! And class is tomorrow! I have 2 journals, 1 paper, 2 cubes to make, and 2 anchoring activities. Damn, that's a lot of work. I sure don't feel like doing any of it!! *Sigh* Guess I'll start on the paper & cubes and when I finish I'll reward myself with a little break...