Saturday, August 8, 2009

Things that are upsetting me

I really hate to continue to be such a wet blanket these days... Please don't get annoyed and stop reading! I just felt compelled to write this down, as though, somehow, that will take it off my shoulders for a bit.

1) My shadow baby's first birthday party is next weekend. I feel obligated to go because I have bowed out of every single other thing of importance to this child and I don't think my relationship with his mother (who was one of my best friends) would survive my absence.

2) A good friend at school made the surprise announcement of her pregnancy at a small gathering. Doing the math, she conceived at the same time I had my last FET. So now even if I didn't want to, I will be tracking my chemical pregnancy with her real pregnancy. Oh, did I mention that she's been married only 3 months?

3) I'm terrified about this upcoming IVF. I feel a lot of pressure for it to work. I'm worried that ER/ET will run into the first days of school. I don't really understand my new protocol and my wonderful RN is out on her maternity leave, leaving me with someone I don't really like/trust. She still hasn't mailed out the outline of what meds will be happening when. I also just found out that my RE will be on vacation during my ER/ET. Which she wasn't happy about that timing either... Apparently I've become that patient. The one who is watched closely.

4) I think I'm becoming warped and jaded and, well, sinister. I've spent so much time living in my online world here that I have forgotten that we are the minority. Other people can have SEX and get pregnant. Other people have no idea what an RE or MFM is. Other people tell about pregnancy at 8 weeks without fear! Other people don't have to wonder if they will ever get to experience parenthood.

5) I STILL don't get to make plans. I was with a group of friends last night and they were talking about a trip we had taken to NC years ago. They wanted to do it again. I sat there and played along, but the truth is that I have NO IDEA where I will need to be come November 7th and 8th.

*UGH* Okay, so my little pity party there didn't help much. I was very much tempted to just delete it all... Am still in fact. But I think I'll let it stand. More as a testament to my mental state than anything else.


  1. Have SEX and get pregnant?! Um, nope, I don't believe that actually happens.

    I'm sorry you're feeling so crappy. Everyone needs to take a trip on the pity boat sometimes. I'm on it more than most I think - you're welcome to join me! haha Mine is like a cruise ship now and I have my own balcony suite with my name on the door :)

    I really hope things get better for you soon.

  2. Oh sweetie... Sending you a big hug. I know these things suck. I track the kids who were born at the same time mine were and think about our kids would be.

  3. Alert!

  4. Don't delete :) As everyone so kindly reminds me!, this is your space. Vent, complain, etc., you're totally entitled. I'm just sorry you have a reason to.

    Thinknig of you.