Today was transfer day. It just so happened that it was also the exact same day (and time) of Ted Kennedy's funeral, which was taking place right next door to the medical area. We were concerned about traffic, we left 45 minutes early, and arrived at the hospital an hour early. Oops! Where was the traffic??I can't complain though. This whole cycle has been too good to believe. It's like I was saying to the wonderful RN, I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. Looks like it is still on though! Transfer went incredibly easily, even though I seem to have developed a curve in my cervix all of a sudden. It was actually the least painful transfer yet! Plus, the embryos we transferred were beautiful. I mean, I know I'm biased and all that... But seriously, these were gorgeous. (As a side note, I think it's funny that I can now identify good embryos by sight. I actually gasped when they showed us the photo before describing the quality. The embryologist was concerned, but I followed up with saying "They are beautiful" and she smiled. She said they were too!)So, here I sit, with my two lovelies back inside... Sending them good nurturing thoughts and love and hoping to hell they decide to stick around for the long haul of nine months. Please little ones, I love you already, stay with me.
I'm thrilled to say that we had 10 eggs fertilize! Grow, little embryos grow! I can't wait to be back this Saturday to transfer some of you back inside where you belong =)
THANK YOU!! Your well wishes and thoughts mean a lot to me. Thank you so much for standing by me =) I was irrationally nervous this time around, but everything turned out just fine.I was the only retrieval today, which is wierd as normally my clinic is super busy. But that fact combined with the fact that everyone knows me now from my many prior cycles this year, made me feel a bit like a celebrity! (Which is kinda cool) They got 19 eggs (yay!) but some were on the small side, so they suspect were immature. Now, it's just a matter of waiting for that fertilization report.
Okay so I've grown used to changing the channel when pregnancy test commercials run. In fact, this is not normally even a problem these days thanks to my lovely DVR... I rarely watch any commercials at all! About 10 minutes ago though, I turned on the TV and it was showing a biography of Friends. I loved that show and quickly was sucked in listening to how the casting went. I decided to watch *gasp* live television.My hands were full during the commercial break (currently crocheting an afgan for a long over-due wedding present) so I was unable to mute/change the channel when First Response popped up. *ugh* I thought... But I'll just grin & bear it. Then I heard them saying these words "Can I get pregnant? Here's the first ever test for FERTILITY" (my emphasis, not theirs.)WTF??? I ran to the computer and looked it up and apparently it is true! Except (as the NY Times points out) it only measures FSH levels. So I, along with many other infertiles here, would actually pass this test. (Hey, I just realized... There's a pee stick that I could actually get a positive on! HA! The irony is killing me.)I'm truly flabbergasted. I don't even know what else to say... Just when I thought pee sticks couldn't get more heartbreaking...
I cannot believe how utterly exhausted I'm feeling. How on earth did I manage to cycle while teaching?? Right now I could fall asleep at the computer. Yet, two previous cycles, I would go straight from u/s and b/w to the classroom... for a week straight! Here I am whining because it's my third day in a row at the clinic followed by a rough day of napping on the couch. *sigh* I'm just wicked tired this time around.It looks like I'm getting close to trigger though... I'll know for sure this afternoon, but my RN said it will likely be tonight or tomorrow. Which is very good as then transfer will come before the first day of school. Whew! (**UPDATE-Trigger tonight and ER will be Wednesday morning!)Oh, side note, those that remember the mean b/w nurse... She was there again today! So, I was petty, took my slip out of the tray after u/s and ran upstairs to the other lab. I just couldn't face her again, esp since my arms are so beat up and I knew it would hurt today even with the nice nurse. Man, I sure hope she goes back to where ever she came from though.
Alright, I've thrown all scepticism out the window with my second acupuncture appt. You may remember that I was a bit on the fence after the first time. So, I kept with my decision to try it again and went back... The difference being that this time I'd been stimming for roughly a week and was totally experiencing that bloaty swollen feeling in my ovaries. The kind that makes you want to not move around too much and avoid the potholes while you're driving.We talked a bit, then she put the needles in. (I was much less nervous this time... I think it helped that she was breathing in deeply with insertion and I said I could join in-which I did.) Then she left and I practiced my 'ocean breath' (can't remember the yoga name) and my meditative mindset. It was nice, all warm and peaceful. I was like, sure this is worth the cost.BUT, the best part came when I was walking back to my car... GET THIS- I wasn't all bloaty & uncomfortable!! I'm still more conscious of my ovaries, but it's no longer like I want to lie on the floor because walking is hurting me. I'm floored... I wish I had known this in my previous cycles!Plus, when I told her about my risk of OHSS (and previous cancelled ET), she recommended that I come back one more time before ER and they can help minimize the risk! I'm seriously on cloud 9. That might just be the best $75 I've ever spent =)
In the shower I was bemoaning the fact that I'm up to three needles a day (four if I get blood drawn the same day) which is the most I've ever had during any cycle. Then, unbidden, the thought of Murgdan, who was told to take pills as suppositories, renaming her parts The Pill Box popped into my head. I stared at my poor soapy tummy, full of little red puncture marks (and two GIANT bruises) and thought... I'll call you The Pin Cushion.Now, I'd been feeling pretty smug this cycle actually. I've been administering my own shots because I'd found a secret... Well, it might not be a secret, but it was a revelation to me. It hurts less when I know when the needle will be contacting skin! Plus if I felt that prick of the first contact, I can move the needle to another spot and my tummy (sorry Pin Cushion) won't bleed...or bruise up! Now, you may remember that above I have already given it away by saying that I am currently sporting two enormous ugly splotches. Turns out, this doesn't work with my Cetrotide. It doesn't hurt going in at all, but I've consistently bleed removing the needle. What is up with that?? I suppose I was getting too cocky and needed to be taken down a peg or two...Oh well, hopefully it isn't for too much longer. Although it looks like it will be just long enough to need refills of the Gonal-F and Menapur. Oh, and welcome any IComLeavWe(ers)! This is my first time participating, and I'm looking forward to discovering some new and exiciting peeps (and their blogs!)
So everything went well today for u/s and b/w. Although the nurse said we will probably be using the Lupron trigger... Even though my E2 still seems quite low (437) but perhaps they are expecting it to rise more. My follicles are still little, most too small for measurements. However, the nurse seems to think that trigger will be coming soon. (Fingers crossed for that!)However, I did have a very unsettling experience today. My u/s doc (who I'd not met before) was amazing... She was fast and I swear I barely even felt the wand! Crazy since I've already got that full bloaty feeling that accompanies stimming. Unfortunately, my regular b/w nurse wasn't in. (I love her.) Instead, I had this crazy lady. Now, most of our blood work folk are older, larger, black ladies from the Caribbean with full on thick accents that I love, but don't always understand. I don't know why this is, but it seems to be holding true with every new one I meet. This one was no exception. However, while I normally like the lab nurses, this one I didn't. First she took forever to get everything set, and I was stuck with that stupid rubber band constricting blood flow for like 3 minutes while she puttered around labeling stuff. (May not seem long, but it feels like FOREVER.) Then she poked around with her finger...HARD! I said 'ouch' because it hurt and she was like I didn't even use the needle yet. I told her that I knew that. Then I muttered to myself that I wish you'd hurry up with this and stop hurting me.Now, I'm the first to admit... I'm a big wuss. I used to pass out whenever a needle appeared. However, since IF, I've gotten worlds better. Hey, I even give myself shots now!! I still get quite queasy though at the thought of someone sucking blood out of my arm, so I close my eyes well before and keep them closed the entire time. I don't think I'm in the minority here...So, she starts in on 'oh, you gonna faint?' And basically makes me feel like an idiot for not liking needles. She's chuckling away about this when all of a sudden she's like 'no baby yet?' My mouth actually dropped open at this. She went on to tell me that pregnancy requires many blood draws. Really? No, shit Sherlock. However, having experienced both pregnancy AND treatment, I can tell you that treatment requires MANY MANY more blood draws. This ain't my first ride on the ferris wheel lady. I didn't answer, just stared coldly as I wished she would shut the hell up. I mean, did no one explain to her that in the morning she was covering INFERTILITY patients only?? The kicker of it all? She totally left a giant bruise. Gee, thanks a lot.
I found myself again! And, boy oh boy, is it good to be back!!I'm not entirely sure what is responsible for my turnaround, but I'm sure it is a lot of things adding up together. I'm back at school, and I'm getting excited about the upcoming year. I love when everything is all fresh, new, and shiny. I get an odd *thrill* from my basket of freshly sharpened pencils, clean name tags, and neatly arranged desks... (I could go on and on) It's been nice to have something to focus on that isn't about myself. That definitely helped.I had seriously one of the best weekends of my life. E and I decided to have a mini-vacation in our own city. We pricelined a fancy hotel, chose the chef's tasting menu (with wine pairings!) at a wonderful restaurant I've wanted to go to for awhile now, and then drove up the coast to spend time in my favorite little beach town (completed by eating some really really good lobster rolls). It was spontaneous and wonderful. It made me remember how good our relationship is and why we are together.I've settled into this cycle. I'm (dare I say it?) feeling hopeful! (Perhaps inspired by this wonderful video from Megan and how she cranked her hope-o-meter up to 5) I also realized that it's okay to be scared about negatives, but it isn't the end of my world. I can try again. I can keep trying until I get the result I want. There is no end of this journey until I say The End. I know IVF can work for me, it already has once. I know it will again. (I just really do hope it is this cycle!)
Did you know that it is okay to start stims even if you never got a period? Apparently they just check to make sure your lining is thin enough before giving the green light. In fact, the RN told me that it happens pretty regularly!Sure wish someone had told me that because I almost passed out in the mall, so giddy with relief I was to find out that we can move forward. (I actually had to sit down with my head between my knees! Mind you, I didn't get the call until 2pm... and I'd been worrying myself sick all morning. I was convinced I'd have to postpone this cycle.)So last night, 75 of Gonal-f and this morning was my first ever shot of Menapur. Does that Q-Cap thingie really make it easier for you guys?? It seemed to be more difficult than a needle to me... Of course, I freaked out a little when I couldn't get the damn thing off the vial of fluid! In the end, I think it worked out alright. I go back in Tuesday.I'm just really hoping that the third time's the charm.
Oh the ironies of IF... AF should have appeared today, but she's a no-show. I've been waiting for her so that I can start on stims for IVF#3. I was told to go in for an ultrasound tomorrow anyway, so in I will go. I'm really really hoping that we can start up soon though, or else this cycle is going to run long and cause problems with the start of school...
I really hate to continue to be such a wet blanket these days... Please don't get annoyed and stop reading! I just felt compelled to write this down, as though, somehow, that will take it off my shoulders for a bit.1) My shadow baby's first birthday party is next weekend. I feel obligated to go because I have bowed out of every single other thing of importance to this child and I don't think my relationship with his mother (who was one of my best friends) would survive my absence.2) A good friend at school made the surprise announcement of her pregnancy at a small gathering. Doing the math, she conceived at the same time I had my last FET. So now even if I didn't want to, I will be tracking my chemical pregnancy with her real pregnancy. Oh, did I mention that she's been married only 3 months?3) I'm terrified about this upcoming IVF. I feel a lot of pressure for it to work. I'm worried that ER/ET will run into the first days of school. I don't really understand my new protocol and my wonderful RN is out on her maternity leave, leaving me with someone I don't really like/trust. She still hasn't mailed out the outline of what meds will be happening when. I also just found out that my RE will be on vacation during my ER/ET. Which she wasn't happy about that timing either... Apparently I've become that patient. The one who is watched closely.4) I think I'm becoming warped and jaded and, well, sinister. I've spent so much time living in my online world here that I have forgotten that we are the minority. Other people can have SEX and get pregnant. Other people have no idea what an RE or MFM is. Other people tell about pregnancy at 8 weeks without fear! Other people don't have to wonder if they will ever get to experience parenthood.5) I STILL don't get to make plans. I was with a group of friends last night and they were talking about a trip we had taken to NC years ago. They wanted to do it again. I sat there and played along, but the truth is that I have NO IDEA where I will need to be come November 7th and 8th.*UGH* Okay, so my little pity party there didn't help much. I was very much tempted to just delete it all... Am still in fact. But I think I'll let it stand. More as a testament to my mental state than anything else.
When I was young, I would stand for hours at the edge of the ocean, entranced by watching the waves bury my feet in the sand. I loved watching the ebb and flow, the swirling of particles around my ankles. It was soothing and peaceful, yet with a little edge to it because you never knew what would come washing up and there was also that little fear that you'd get buried too deeply and be stuck.I think that is the best way to describe my depression. I've become stuck in the sand. I can't move. I'm at the mercy of the ocean. Sometimes the waves are gentle and safe, but sometimes they are fierce and engulf me--swirling me around like a piece of seaweed unable to move because my feet are trapped in the sand. Sometimes I can't catch my breath before the next wave knocks me around. I start to feel anxious all the time and constantly scan the horizon so that I'll at least be prepared for the next big wave... Of course, I miss some and get caught unaware. It starts to feel hopeless, like this is all I will ever experience, this is all I can ever remember.The worst part is that no one else notices or can see the situation for what it is. To the people who walk by me on the beach, I'm just a girl playing in the surf.
I had decided awhile back that if it came to another fresh cycle, I was going to try something new. Add to the mix. I've read about many folks who just love their acupuncture, and there are studies that say it does increase the odds of success. So, fear of needles behind me (sort of), I set off today for my first appt.I was incredibly nervous, sweaty palms and all that. She was very nice, if a bit chatty, and it really didn't hurt at all. It was, in fact, relaxing. However, I'm not sure if it was the needles or the 20 minutes of quiet in a warm peaceful room. I keep assessing my feelings and stress levels as the day progresses... and so far, I'm alright. I think that I will see this through this cycle. Probably one more appt and then a pre/post transfer appt.I do definitely need to do something for myself. My most recent therapist appt was my wake-up call for that. I've still not been able to shake my moodiness and sadness. I mentioned that to him and so we filled out that depression questionnaire... and what do you know? Hey, I'm clinically depressed. He brought up the idea of anti-depressants but that is (personally) not something I'm comfortable with while cycling. Plus I'd like to see if I can shake this myself with with things like exercise, yoga, acupuncture, and the start of the school year.
Insurance approval has come through. We're approved for three more IVF cycles, up to a year out. Part of me is thrilled, part of me is terrified. Aug 2010! Is it possible that I'll STILL be trying then?? That can't be possible... And yet, here I am, 4 various cycles completed this year, and nothing to show but a fuller Sharps container. I didn't think that was possible either.It's been invaluable to find people who understand... But I've been in this circle long enough to see those people I cycled with achieve pregnancy. In fact, the ones who conceived that first cycle are nearing due dates! I feel like a three year old throwing a tantrum. I'm on the floor kicking and hitting and screaming "When is it MY turn?!?"*Sigh* I guess my post-vacation funk hasn't really lifted... In fact I'm beginning to wonder if it might be more than that. I actually cried in my therapist's office yesterday. I haven't done that in forever. I'm just feeling stretched too thin, except I can't figure out who is doing the pulling. I've got absolutely no responsibilities this summer. There's no reason to be stressed. Well, except for the biggest reason of all...
