Delusions

It's been four days since the transfer. Yesterday I experienced some horrible cramping, just like the first day of AF. I know that cramping can be a good sign, or it can be a bad sign. Really I'm just trying to ignore it all... Looking too hard for signs can make you crazy. What's interesting to me is that I've managed to forget about it from time to time. I mean, really forget about it. I actually had a beer out of the fridge before I realized that I couldn't drink it. A friend in the know asked how I was today, and I didn't realize she was asking about IF stuff until she clarified.

What is that all about? Am I just deluding myself into 'forgetting' so that on the 8th I can be like 'What? A pregnancy test? Me?'

I've also been doing a good job deluding myself about my job situation. They are cutting at least 10% of the school system's budget. I'm right on the borderline there... It really could go either way. I have professional status (basically tenure) but with only 4 contract years I'm still low man on totem pole. I could easily get bumped for someone with seniority. Again, though, even though the rumours are flying at school, I'm closing my ears and floating above it. It's not like there is a thing I can do to prevent it from happening if it is going to. Which is really just the reverse of what I'm thinking in regards to potential pregnancy.

It is what it is. It will be as it will be. It is no longer in my hands.

Taking it easy

So the transfer went very smoothly. Only had to thaw one of the straws, which means there are still 2 embies left in the freezer for a later date. After much debate, we did decide to transfer two... And that was the plan we stuck with although we had said that we might change our minds once we got there if both embryos were looking good. Well, both were great (9 cell and one starting to merge its cells--can't remember the fancy name for it) but I just couldn't take one. I so desperately want to be done with this process.

Oddly after all my nervous pacing and thoughts pre-transfer, I'm feeling very calm and centered today. I'm sure that will change as the days wear on... but right now I'm enjoying the peace.

On to the waiting game...

Scared

So my transfer isn't until this afternoon... Late in the afternoon... I find myself with too much time on my hands. I'm totally obsessing about all the possible outcomes. The problem is that each outcome makes me more panicky than the last and now the thoughts are spinning around and around and making me dizzy (and nauseous).

What if there is traffic and I don't get to the hospital?
What if I wrote down the wrong time? Can I call again?
What if I get there too early?
What if the embies don't thaw properly?
What if only one thaws?
What they all do well and I have to make the decision of what to do with them?
What if they don't implant?
What if they do?
What if two implant?
What if I'm pregnant?
What if I'm not?

To calm the mind I think I'll just go watch the puppies...

FET tomorrow

After complaining that this cycle is taking sooo long, I find myself surprised that tomorrow is transfer day. I spent today with a good friend and was completely surprised by the phone ringing! Normally I obsess and check it every 5 minutes, but today it rang and I was like--why are they calling?

Tonight I'm off for yet another Farewell to Sushi dinner. I've given up thinking it will be for the whole 9 months... Too much emotional baggage comes with that idea. But I still won't be able to eat my beloved spicy tuna for two weeks! So a farewell it is...for now.

Journaling

I've always been a procrastinator. In high school I would actually do my homework in the class prior. I'm currently taking an education class for grad credit. I don't understand WHY every single ed class makes you write a weekly journal. I mean, I get what they are driving at...reflection and all that good stuff, but it's such crap! No one ever does it weekly. Everyone lets it slide and then frantically types up 8 entries late one evening. Plus, you never get any feedback on it as no one wants to grade reflections because they aren't right or wrong. I mean, I LOVE to write. I LOVE being reflective. But I just find myself struggling to write anything for these stupid entries. Or at least, anything that isn't complete bs. So, I'm currently procrastinating...

I hear there's a Project Runway marathon playing. Hmmm... What's your favorite procrastination?

Marathon Monday

I realized I've been quite the Debbie Downer... Of course, that is just where my head (and heart) have been at lately.

Today I had a change.

I love Marathon Monday. No, I'm not a runner (I barely run to catch the bus!) but I absolutely love the general excitement and happiness that the marathon brings out in people. People line the roads to cheer and support total strangers. I LOVE that!

I'd been a bit melancholy over the weekend thinking about a year ago, and how I'd viewed the marathon with my other pregnant friend and we devoured a box of cookies, and how now she has a 7 month old son while I have daily injections of Lupron... Bitter much? I know, I am.

But this morning, as I was driving in for blood & ultrasound, I saw the buses full of runners speeding out the Pike, and I got goosebumps. I love that so many people are crazy enough to pit themselves against this incredible challenge.

I walked part of the route today with a great friend who has recently come back to Boston. We stood in the crowd and yelled and screamed and jumped up and down for these amazing people. I love that I was just one voice in thousands cheering these people on in their struggle.

We stood at the rise right before Fenway (the 1 mile mark) and saw so many inspiring things... Grandparents running, people running to raise money for charities, the elite runners speeding by battling for first place, a man running with one prosthetic leg and another running with both legs being prosthetic! Amazing. Inspiring.

However, what touched me the most was this one guy. A normal, average, next-door kind of guy. He was tired (can you blame him?) and was walking. I looked him in the eye and told him how close he was, how this was the last hill, how amazing he had done so far, to keep going. He smiled...and started running again.

I did that. Me. I may be bruised, battered, and often depressed, but I can still make someone feel better. And by doing so, make myself feel better too.

Way to go marathoners!! Can't wait to cheer you all on again...next year!

Two Years Ago...

Two years ago, DH & I were flying off to Jamaca for vacation. We had two goals: 1) finalize our scuba certification and 2) celebrate the start of TTC. It was a great vacation. We dove, relaxed, ate a lot food, read books about pregnacy, and mostly dreamt about the coming years and how they would change our lives.

Now I can't believe that was only two years ago. We conceived quickly for an IF couple, just barely under a year. Yes it was a struggle, but I was determined tht it wasn't going to break me. The loss however, did. I look back and barely recognize that girl from two years ago. Her excitement, naitivite, innocence... How could that have been me?

We don't look any different on the outside... and I yet I can barely recognize my old self.

If IF has taught me nothing else, it has definitely brought understanding to the adage, you can't judge a book by its cover. Just because you can't see the cracks and the hurts, it doesn't mean they don't exist.

Fairness

It's interesting how all day I deal with students who complain about things, and I tell them "Well, life isn't fair." Then I turn around and whine to my husband about how things are so easy for other people and why can't we get pregnant at the drop of a hat? Of course, he says it a bit nicer, but the gist is the same - life is not fair.

You would think by now I've been able to adjust my thinking to accomodate that fact.

I haven't.

It's not just about my life being unfair either. I'm horribly depressed about some news I received on my forums today. This absolutely amazing women who has supported me in dealing with my loss (she experienced something simliar) and kept me grounded during my crazy times, she posted today that she lost her little one (IVF with DE) today at 11 weeks. No heartbeat. My first reaction was -- how can that be? It's so not fair!! She doesn't deserve this heartache! Then I wept for her and the pain that she must be feeling.

The truth is that none of us 'deserve' this fate of IF that has been handed to us. I wish I would stop railing at life for being unfair and just accept that it is. Bad things happen to good people...all the time. My latest saying has been "It is what it is" meaning just accept reality and move on from the things you can't change. As often as I say it, it doesn't make me feel better.

I'd like to live in a world where people actually got what they deserved.

A world where life is fair.

I guess I'm not ready to give up hoping for that world... As if hoping hard enough will bring it into existence. Like clapping for Tinkerbell. I believe, I believe.

Monster headache

So, I didn't want to wait too long... or I knew I'd never post again.

I've just been really really under-the-weather. I caught this terrible cold from my germy first graders (when will I learn to NOT use their pencils!!) and then today I got a massive migrane. Combination of the lupron, clogged sinsuses, and a loud classroom. Ugh.

I must look pretty bad too, because when I showed up at my therapists office he took one look and sent me right home! So I'm off to bed (even though it is only 6:30 and my husband isn't even home yet!) in hopes of feeling better tomorrow.

Only two more days until April vacation... And eight days until the transfer...

Welcome, please introduce yourself

Rises. Clears throat.

Hello, my name is M. I'm an infertile.

I'm also so much more than that... but if you stick around awhile, you'll come to realize that. For the purposes of this space, though, that is the most important thing you need to know about me. I already spent an hour or so typing out my story for the sidebar. No need to repeat myself.

I'm not really sure what I'm doing here. I know I'd love an outlet for all my hurts and anxieties and hopes. I tried a diary, but it wasn't enough. I'm a sharer. I love to share. It's through talking that I understand things, especially my own thoughts and emotions. IRL, I'm not sharing. It's hard on me. I'm hoping this form of sharing eases the burden.