Friday, June 26, 2009

The Summer

School is out! It seems amazing to me that that statement is true. This was easily my most challenging year. In September, just walking into the building would set me shaking. I think the start of school came too quickly after our loss and I was still suffering from the grief. It was so hard to be around everyone again and have to be the teacher with 19 little ones staring at me for guidance and reassurance. I had to plaster that big smile on my face and dredge up calm when all I wanted was to crawl into bed and cry forever. However, I also think that school saved me. It gave my days a rhythm and a purpose. My mind was occupied with thoughts other then those of my girls and my loss. There were people who depended on me and so I couldn't fall apart.

Now, here it is...summer. School is finally over. And damn, I miss it already. I was counting down the hours until my hellion students were off to second grade. But now I find that I miss them!

I also miss the routine in my days... Already time is hanging heavy on my hands. My fellow teachers and friends have claimed big plans, but somehow I don't have faith that they will come to fruition. It will just be me and my computer for the next two months. *sigh* I guess I'm just feeling lonely... and I'm terrified about slipping back into that dark place of last summer where I didn't leave my house and I didn't speak to anyone and I didn't do or feel anything because it all was too much.

1 comment:

  1. I can relate in some respects. I'm a school psychologist and after my miscarriage last June, summer was a dreadful time during which I isolated myself completely. Those who had never experienced loss could not understand why I desperately wanted to return to work. I too thrive on my days being structured, otherwise I surround myself in grief 24-7. I hope you find something to fill your days and keep your mind occupied. Thanks for stopping by and lending your 2 cents. :)