Date is looming

Yesterday my girls would have been 11 months.

Wow. That was amazingly hard to type. There is something about seeing it in black and white that was a huge shock to me. I need a break to get my fingers back under control... I've just started shaking like a leaf.

***

Okay, I think I've got it back under control. I was talking to E about how different our lives would (should) be. I would be planning a birthday party! My girls would just be starting to babble those first precious words. My home would look like a toy store. I would be so proud of their new tricks such as pulling themselves upright. I would be exhausted from chasing them around all day. I would be looking forward to spending two wonderful amazing months where the only thing I had to do was spend time with my babies. They would be on their way to beautiful blond-headed toddlers... And I would be sighing sadly, "Where does the time go?"

Instead, I have a silent home and free time. I have morning lupron shots and evening BCP. I'm in the middle of 8 different craft projects just so I can keep my hands busy and my mind occupied. I'm rereading the Tom Clancy books because I thought they would be safe and instead find myself cursing Jack Ryan for his damn fertile wife. I cry on the way to work and not because I'm sad that I had to leave the girls at daycare.

OH! I miss what my life SHOULD HAVE BEEN! But mostly, I just miss my precious babies. My memories of their birth is fading... As memories do, even such important ones. The memories of our hour together is there, but getting hazy around the edges. Sometimes it's almost like the whole thing was a dream...

Girls, I miss you so much. Rebecca, Maria, I miss you.