Wednesday, September 16, 2009

No Mans Land

Last time, I found that anxiety grew relative to the farther away from a reassurance I got. So, if I had an u/s I would be fine for a couple of days, but then anxiety would slowly start to build until right before the next appointment I was a nervous wreck. Seems as little has changed. Except perhaps that the nerves kick in sooner and now double daily.

It doesn't help that I'm in this weird No Man's Land at the moment. Yes, I'm pregnant (yay!) but I have few to no symptoms (very different from last time) and I haven't seen any tangible proof yet. I only have to hang on another day and a half... I can do that. At least, I don't really have a choice but to find a way to cope with that! As it is, I'm already going in way early for an u/s.

I feel like I don't really fit in anywhere yet... Or maybe it's that I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. Like I don't want to get too comfortable yet in case this turns out to be a cruel cosmic joke. I've made appts for a high-risk OB (MFM clinic at my hospital). I'm excited about it, but a small part of me is wondering if I'll really need that appointment.

Last time I bought baby clothes online after my positive betas. (I justified by saying they were on big sale from my favorite store and would be the right season for the EDD.) It never even crossed my mind that those clothes would go unworn... Or even unwrapped. Now I'm hesitant to book appointments and buy prenatals??

Don't get me wrong, I'm still thrilled. I meant what I said earlier, I do already love this little collection of cells mightily. I'm overjoyed to be pregnant.

But there is worry there too. I want this so much, I'm afraid of the thought of losing ground after fighting so hard to get here. Just please, let Friday come quickly. Let everything be OK.


  1. I am right there with you. I keep checking back on your blog to see how you are doing since we are so close. I hit my five week mark today and I don't have any symptoms. I get tired easily and that is about it. keep your positive spirits up and do whatever you feel is best. I already am reading pregancy books and looking at colors for a nursery, it is only human nature to do those things. I truly believe the more positive you are about a situation the more likely it is to work out. best of luck at your first ultrasound. I get mine in a week and can't wait either.

  2. I can't even imagine what you're going through but your "No Man's Land" must be torture. I am thinking of you and sending you calm, patient thoughts!

  3. I always feel like the second I "think positive" something bad will happen. But we have to give ourselves the most positive vibes we can.

    Fingers crossed for good things!