Friday, July 10, 2009

One Year

One year. 365 days. Have I really lived that long without you?

I've only got a few precious memories to cling to... But nothing could ever make me forget...

The rush of love I felt right after transfer. I was so convinced that it had worked, I hugged and kissed E and we both teared up knowing that you were inside. We even brought tears to the nurse's eyes.

The wonder I felt staring at those two blobs at the first ultrasound, seeing you both for the first time. Watching your heartbeats flicker. Amazed at the miracle of the creation of new life.

Watching your growth from ultrasound to ultrasound. Tracking that progress in my pregnancy book. Seeing your personalities develop as the weeks progressed... As one snoozed happily while the other did cartwheels. Calling you Lefty & Righty until that amazing ultrasound when we found out you were both girls. We were so thrilled... We started whispering to you your names, Rebecca, Maria.

Feeling your movement for the first time. Looking into E's eyes as he felt your strong kick in bed at night. We joked that you were made for soccer.

But everything I thought I knew of love went out the window the moment I first saw you two. Even though I knew you were too little, you were so perfect, so beautiful. I never wanted to let you go. I still don't.

When I think of you now, I see you on your beach. The one where E and I went to say good-bye. We talked of our dreams for you, the futures you weren't allowed to have, but mostly we talked of our love for you. How amazing and powerful an emotion that was. We named you for the waves, the sand, and the world to hear and recognize. You existed. Rebecca & Maria, you are loved.

We left forever changed. Marked by tragedy, but also by unconditional love. A love as strong today as it was 365 days ago.

Happy first birthday my girls. Your mother loves you.


  1. I'm not sure if I've commented before, but I've been following your blog for a short while.

    I just wanted to compliment you on a beautiful, touching post. I certainly have tears in my eyes, and can feel your love for your girls radiating through this screen.

    I'm so sorry that you had to say goodbye.


  2. ((hugs)) and comforting thoughts. Kimberly

  3. Remembering Rebecca and Maria today with you. Much love.

  4. Happy Birthday to your sweet Rebecca and Maria... I know they are with my little ones in heaven, watching over us.

    Something you wrote brought such tears to my eyes. We love our babies so much, even before that first u/s that shows them inside of us... But nothing comes close to seeing them, so perfect, in our arms. Remembering with you today...

  5. An eloquent post on your sweet babies. [Hugs]

  6. Remembering your sweet girls with you - Rebecca and Maria, what gorgeous names.


  7. Beautiful.
    ((Hug))ing you. Thinking of you.
    How I wish they were here with you now.

  8. Remembering your sweet girls Rebecca and Maria today and always. i love their names; just lovely.

  9. Saying a prayer for you, DH and your angel babies.
    It was 2 years ago on 6-23-07 we lost our angel baby, Madelyn Renee.
    A Mommy never forgets the sweet embrace or the saying of 'Goodbye'. Having to let go physically of the miracle(s) you 'felt' inside before their existance was even confirmed by a doctor, the miracle(s) longed for, cried for, pleaded for then rejoiced in their being for oh so long..... the pain runs deep and feels never ending some days.
    Just know that 'sweet embrace' will be again one day--- ETERNAL! That is what keeps me going.
    Your girls hear you and feel you always.
    Lots of blessings;
    Beautifully spoken above.
    Take care,